Gandalf's Revenge
by Daughters of Gondor
Summary: Gandalf decides to get even...Warning: contains mm slash and MPREG. Chap. 1 repost. New stuff added.
1. Ch1

A/N: We noticed that part of our original chapter one was missing so we added it. Sorry for the inconvenience. Our next chapter is in progress. We'll try to get it posted soon.  
  
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It all started when...well it all started because Gandalf was carrying a grudge over the Caradhras incident. Well actually it was a mixture of several weird occurrences, which only served to make Gandalf angrier and angrier.  
  
But of course none of the Fellowship noticed, because all the steam coming out of Gandalf's head was covered by the wizard's pointy hat.  
  
Knew that hat was good for something!  
  
Anyway, Gandalf was already in a bad mood that day because Gimli was bugging him about going through the mines of Moria and Boromir was experiencing a weird sense of humor that day.  
  
Figures. Humans are so weird.  
  
So there was Boromir and he started to hand the ring back to Frodo while saying, "I care not."  
  
But the moment the ring was back in Frodo's hand Boromir yelled, "Psych!"  
  
And jumped at Frodo.  
  
The rest of the Fellowship was treated to the sound of a high-pitched yelp from Frodo and an 'oof' from Aragorn (who was standing right behind Frodo) as both Boromir and Frodo came barreling into him.  
  
As the two humans and the hobbit went rolling down the hill Sam (who was leading Bill the Pony and therefore couldn't run after them) yelled, "Mr. Frodo!"  
  
Merry and Pippin in the meantime were giggling hysterically as they both yelled "Cool!"  
  
They then proceeded to throw themselves down the snow embankment after their somewhat crazy relative and the two humans. The sounds of Merry and Pippin yelling "Weeee!" could be heard as they rolled down the mountainside.  
  
Legolas immediately dismissed all of them with a wave of his hand.  
  
"Ah, let them have their fun. It gives me time to condition my hair."  
  
That said, he sat down and pulled his conditioner out of one of the bags and proceeded to do just that.  
  
This was entirely too much for Gandalf.  
  
His pointy hat suddenly flew off as steam came out of his ears and nose.  
  
Sam gave a startled squeak and jumped behind Bill the pony...although Bill looked pretty scared himself.  
  
Gimli stood up and raised his axe to protect himself.  
  
But Gandalf simply stalked off, muttering to himself in the black speech, to have a nice long Istari pout.  
  
Legolas paid him no heed. He was too busy conditioning his pretty blonde hair to pay the wizard any attention.  
  
***************************************************  
  
Meanwhile at the bottom of the mountain, the 2 humans and the hobbit all lay in a jumble, Aragorn and Frodo glaring at Boromir.  
  
Seeing their glares he gave a pouty mumble, "It was just a joke."  
  
That only served to get him 2 handfuls of snow flung in his face. After a few minutes of getting untangled they got to their feet and dusted themselves off.  
  
Frodo scowled at Boromir, "Now we'll have to walk all the way back up."  
  
"Ah, don't worry little one. One of us can carry you if need be."  
  
"What do you mean one of us?!" Aragorn asked flipping his hair back.  
  
Before Frodo or Boromir could respond to Aragorn's snootiness Aragorn   
  
suddenly said, "What the…"  
  
Both Boromir and Frodo looked at him only to see him looking up the mountain abit…worriedly. They followed his gaze and gaped.  
  
Two huge snowballs were rolling down the mountain! Toward them!  
  
Unfortunately, for them, about the common sense returned and they realized they should dive out of the way, the snowballs reached the bottom. Quite literally, they were bowled over. First by the one snowball. The 2 humans and the hobbit got to their feet, planning to run out of the way, only to get bowled over again by the second large snowball.  
  
Ouch!  
  
The next time they got up they saw the two huge snowballs slam into an outcropping of rock and fairly explode, leaving Merry and Pippin half buried in the side of a pile of snow. Only their heads and shoulders, upside down, were visible. Both hobbits grinned as if they were drunk.  
  
"Cool."  
  
While Frodo glared at the 2 younger hobbits, hands on his hips, Aragorn and Boromir met each other's gaze and rolled their eyes.  
  
"I guess we better dig them out." Aragorn said with a sigh.  
  
It took about an hour to do it, but they managed to unbury the young hobbits and started their long trek back up the mountain. 


	2. Ch2

At the top of the mountain Gandalf paced, "When will they get back up here? Legolas!"  
  
Legolas looked up, straightening the towel on his head and looked toward the bottom of the mountain, "They're on their way. I'd say about 20 or 30 yards."  
  
Gandalf huffed, annoyed, and continued pacing.  
  
When the 2 humans made it to the top, Aragorn carrying Frodo while Boromir carried both Merry and Pippin, Legolas was just drying his hair with a battery operated hair drier.  
  
He yelped when the 2 humans collapsed a couple of inches from him, sending a shower of snow sprinkling into his newly conditioned hair.  
  
Legolas jumped to his feet, "I just finished! Now I gotta start again."  
  
That said he stomped off to have an elf prince pout.  
  
Soooo mature, ya know.  
  
However, Gandalf completely ignored Legolas' comment about conditioning once again and proceeded to get ready to leave and continue on their little quest.  
  
"Come. We have tarried here long enough."  
  
He didn't count on the rest of the Fellowship either ignoring him or not hearing him.  
  
He was the wizard dammit!  
  
They should listen to him.  
  
However, Aragorn and Boromir were trying to get their breath back and didn't even hear Gandalf.  
  
Sam was feeding Bill the pony.  
  
Legolas completely ignored Gandalf as he once again dug out his conditioner. An elf prince's hair was more important than some boring old geezer was anyway. Humph!  
  
Frodo was still a little shaky after rolling down the mountainside with two men twice his size and than getting bowled over by 2 huge hobbit snowballs.  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at Gandalf making his way up the mountain, looked back at everyone else not moving, shrugged, and then sat down with all the others while reaching for some food in their knapsacks. Hobbits never missed a chance to eat.  
  
And Gimli sure as hell wasn't going to be the only one following Gandalf.  
  
So the remaining 8 members of the Fellowship made a campfire and Sam decided to make s'mores while everyone else tried to think of the most ridiculous campsite story possible.  
  
Boromir looked up the side of the mountain in the middle of one of Legolas' stories. The elf's stories were always about hair products anyway.  
  
To the Fellowship's astonishment, Boromir suddenly clutched his side, fell over in the snow and was roaring with laughter.   
  
Boromir didn't exactly have the greatest sense of humor in the Fellowship.  
  
"Alright, what's the joke?" Frodo asked impatiently.  
  
"Out with it lad!" Gimli exclaimed while Aragorn rolled his eyes.  
  
Merry and Pippin were giggling again because Sam was glaring at Boromir for rolling over on the rest of the graham crackers.  
  
In between bouts of laughter Boromir pointed up the side of the mountain.   
  
"How long do think it will take him to realize we're not behind him?"  
  
The rest of the Fellowship looked up and suddenly there were 7 more people roaring with laughter along with Boromir.  
  
Gandalf was nearly at the top of the freaking mountain!  
  
Frodo had tears in his eyes and a huge silly grin when he spoke up.   
  
"I'll bet all of you 3 drinks of ale payable after the quest that he gets to the top of the mountain before he realizes anything!"  
  
Suddenly all the other members of the Fellowship were shouting out their own bet and a Gandalf betting pool was started.  
  
About an hour later...  
  
Gandalf had made it to the top of Caradhras despite the cold and mild wind. Saruman hadn't noticed the Fellowship yet.  
  
"Well everyone...we've traveled a lot today, but we have to get somewhat down the mountain before we rest because it's too cold to rest here tonight."  
  
He expected to here groans from all the other members of the Fellowship, but there was only dead silence following his announcement.  
  
Gandalf turned around in confusion and became alarmed when there was no one behind him.  
  
He proceeded to look up, left, right, zigzag, diagonally, and finally looked down...and noticed the campfire halfway down the mountain.  
  
Gandalf threw his hat down, yanked his hair in frustration, and let out a bellow of pure rage.  
  
At the campfire. . .  
  
The rest of the Fellowship (minus Legolas who was still working on his hair) was playing poker when they heard Gandalf's bellow.  
  
Completely unconcerned, they all looked up at the top of the mountain and saw a cascade of bluish-green fireworks lighting up in the dark.  
  
They all turned to Frodo with a shrug.  
  
"Well I guess we all owe you 3 drinks of ale after this is all over," Merry replied.  
  
"Yep," Frodo answered. Than he laid down his hand of cards. "Full House."  
  
"DAMN!!!" 


	3. Ch3

The Fellowship was all sleeping peacefully when Gandalf got back the next morning. And the walk down had definitely not improved his temper.  
  
"GET UP!!! ALL OF YOU LAZY BUMS!!!!"  
  
Aragorn and Boromir, the trained warriors, jumped up immediately and drew their swords, but than relaxed when they realized it was only Gandalf.  
  
The hobbits did a mixture of groaning, crawling out of their sleeping bags with a glazed look on their faces, and staying put because they slept like a log. (This last one was Merry.)  
  
Gimli shot up into a sitting position saying, "What, what?!"  
  
And Legolas...well with his elf hearing he had known Gandalf was coming and hour ago and he was already up and spraying about a billion gallons of hair spray in his hair. "I just know I'm going to get snow in it."  
  
But if anyone looked really terrible it was Gandalf.  
  
He had soot on him from the fireworks the previous night, his beard was slightly singed, his pointy hat was crumpled, and there was duct tape keeping his staff together because he's broken it in frustration.  
  
After looking the wizard over from head to toe, Aragorn and Boromir decided to keep their swords drawn just in case Gandalf decided to murder them.  
  
But Gandalf strode right past the 2 swords (and their human owners) and proceeded to kick Sam's pots and pans all around the campsite while once again muttering the black speech.  
  
This time it made the elf vomit...although no one bothered to tell him that he some of it got in his hair. Legolas' hair still looked better than anyone else's did.  
  
While Legolas retched up the previous day's dinner and Aragorn and Boromir stood there with their swords drawn completely dumbfounded, Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Gimli started packing up the campsite.  
  
Sam chased after his pots and pans while shaking his head at Gandalf.  
  
"He's losing his mind!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
The rest of the Fellowship managed to keep it together the rest of the afternoon for Gandalf's sake. Despite the fact that they were completely annoying each other all day. This little truce only lasted until Saruman woke up from his three-day nap and sent a blizzard on them.  
  
Evil wizard!  
  
Aragorn's temper completely snapped when Legolas walked on top of the snow right past him. Dropping Frodo and Sam in the snow, Aragorn grabbed Legolas by his pretty blonde hair and flung him over the edge of the mountain.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" THUNK!!!!  
  
"Hey! That was completely unnecessary!" Legolas yelled back.  
  
Gandalf suddenly screamed a very vile blasphemy in the black speech that got the whole Fellowship's attention.  
  
"Aragorn you threw him off the mountain, now you can go get him!"  
  
Aragorn shrugged, drew up his cape in a cool fashion, and jumped off the side of the mountain after the elf. Apparently the cape was also a glider.  
  
Pippin giggled and pointed at the gliding human form.  
  
"I want one of those!"  
  
Gandalf stomped by the rest of the Fellowship heading back the way they had come.  
  
"Stupid elves...always fiddling with their hair...stupid humans...always being so prideful...stupid hobbits...stupid dwarf...stupid ring...stupid Elrond for letting me go...stupid eye in the sky for causing all this...stupid ring...STUPID QUEST AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Merry and Pippin had pushed Gandalf from behind which caused Gandalf to step on his own beard, trip, and go rolling down the mountain.  
  
They tried. They really did.  
  
But the sight of the wizard rolling down the hill like Merry and Pippin had done the previous day was too much and soon Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli and Boromir were laughing their heads off despite the fact that wind and snow was still blowing in their faces.  
  
"Well I guess we have to go back down," Boromir replied shrugging. He unhooked his shield from his back and set it down on the snow in order to sled down the hill...I mean mountain.  
  
He started to sit down on his shield when Merry and Pippin both yelled "Cool" at the same time and then Pippin jumped in Boromir's lap and Merry jumped on the man's shoulders and all three of them proceeded to sled down the hill.  
  
However, the shield started spinning in circles as they sped down the hill and their screams of delight soon turned into screams of terror.  
  
While all that had been going on, Gimli had started digging his way down the mountain and Sam had jumped on Bill the pony's back and rode down the mountain.  
  
This left poor Frodo still half buried in a snow bank and quite alone.  
  
Although Frodo wasn't concerned. He expected this behavior from this bunch of people who had no idea what they were doing.  
  
So, being a hobbit, he started to tunnel his way through the snow bank. Hobbits are hole-dwellers after all.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
About 5 hours later...  
  
It would have looked very stupid to any other observer to see a bump in the snow making a tunneling path toward the other members of the Fellowship, but they weren't in any condition to care.  
  
The bump suddenly came right up close to the Fellowship and Frodo popped out of the snow embankment. "Well, I'm finally here."  
  
"Mr. Frodo! Are you alright?" Sam squeaked running up to Frodo.  
  
If anyone else cared they gave no indication.   
  
Gandalf was once again fuming, Legolas and Gimli had their backs to each other and were pouting, Aragorn was smoking his pipe and Boromir, Merry and Pippin were sitting off to the side looking a little green.  
  
Gandalf suddenly stood up. "Well now that the 'ring bearer' is here we can get going," he turned and glared at Gimli. "And you get your way Gimli. We seem to have been forced into taking the path through Moria."  
  
Gimli seemed to brighten at this news, but Legolas just got even more pissed off.  
  
"What?! Now I have to follow this demented company through Moria! Today I have already been thrown off a mountain, landed on by a gliding ranger, mowed down by a wizard in the form of a snowball, poked in the butt by the dwarf's helmet as he tunneled out of the ground, trampled by a crazed hobbit on a pony and thrown up on 3 times, I'm not going anywhere!!!!"  
  
Legolas than crossed his arms, sat down once again and continued to pout.  
  
Gandalf looked like he was about to start cursing Legolas in every foul language known in Middle Earth, and so Frodo decided to do something.  
  
Surprising everyone, the little hobbit suddenly slipped on the ring and disappeared.  
  
However, he reappeared soon enough and yelled:   
  
"RUN YOU DICKS!!!!"  
  
"Why?" they all chorused as one.  
  
"I JUST POKED THE EYE," Frodo yelled and started running towards the gates of Moria.  
  
"WHAT?!!!!" everyone yelled in reply. But they didn't ask any questions, and they proceeded to get their rears in gear and outta there.  
  
They were all almost at the gates of Moria when Legolas suddenly yelled, "STOP!!!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone stopped.  
  
"Explain to me one thing!" Legolas said, flipping his hair in a snooty gesture,  
  
"If Frodo poked the eye, WHY ARE WE ALL RUNNING TOWARDS MORDOR?!"  
  
Everyone looked completely dumbfounded. Except Aragorn who slapped his forehead is disgust, Frodo who looked quite pleased with himself and Gandalf, who proceeded to strangle Legolas.  
  
"YOU SILLY ELF!!! YOUR JUST THINKING OF THIS NOW!!!"  
  
Legolas gasped and began making choking noises, "Get this mad, loony, excuse for a wizard off of me!"  
  
So Aragorn, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli all dived at Gandalf and Legolas, and what resulted was the Fellowship's first official wrestling match.  
  
They're still arguing to this day about who the winner is, but they do know at least 2 things for sure:  
  
The losers were definitely Gandalf and Legolas' pretty hair. 


	4. Ch4

So you can just imagine the foul mood that Gandalf was in by the time they all got to the Gates of Moria. And his mood certainly wasn't improved by the fact that the rest of the Fellowship was quite cheery and Merry and Pippin decided to skip stones in the pond by Moria (Gandalf already had a pounding headache and the sounds of several splashing stones didn't help). Then of course was the problem of opening the Gates of Moria. You'd think that a wise old wizard such as Gandalf would be able to figure out the implications of the words "Speak friend and enter." But no!

The sight of Gandalf speaking several imposing sentences in Elvish while getting absolutely no response was quite amusing.

And so Pippin was grinning when he spoke up: "Nothing's happening."

"Be quiet you fool of a Took!" Gandalf snapped. He continued to try some more Elvish words with no success.

Merry giggled. "Still nothing's happening!"

"Oh hush you silly little schoolgirl," Gandalf muttered, trying to be as insulting as possible. He then started to shove and push at the door.

Sam snorted. "Like that's going to work."

"Confounded old Samwise Gamgee! You keep quiet!" Gandalf boomed. Gandalf then proceeded to bang his staff against the door.

Gimli snickered. "If you're gonna go and do that, why not try my axe?"

Gandalf would have responded, but his face was turning quite red from anger. He then started muttering hideous Elvish curses at the door.

Legolas covered his ears with a moan (his elf ears were quite sensitive and ironically all the shampooing and conditioning had resulted in his ears being even more sensitive), Aragorn replied with an indignant "That was not so courteous," to Gandalf and Boromir rolled his eyes while saying, "What a bunch of doorknobs."

By this time Gandalf was getting angry enough to the point were his beard was starting to singe from the steam coming out of his nose. But what the Fellowship did next really set him off.

As one, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir all chorused, "It's not ooooooooopeniiiiiiiiing."

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Gandalf then threw his staff down and plopped down on a large sitting rock to have himself a pout.

It was than that Frodo whispered in Legolas' ear, "What's the Elvish word for friend?"

Legolas whispered back, "Mellon."

Frodo than shrugged, walked close up to the gates and said quite loudly: "Mellon."

In a semi-dramatic fashion, the Gates of Moria opened.

Gandalf stood up and stomped over to Frodo in a rage.

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

Frodo grinned. "This was more fun."

I don't think Frodo realized that he was about two seconds away from being fried by a bolt of lightning, but he was saved by an unlikely source.

The watcher in the pond suddenly came up sputtering, with a bunch of small stones in its tentacles.

"Alright who's been throwing stones into the water!"

Gandalf glared over at Merry and Pippin before stepping forward with his staff to deal with the watcher. If I had been the watcher...I would have run from just the look on Gandalf's face.

Anyway, Gandalf's complete snap of temper and temporary lack of sanity resulted in:

1. Him throwing...no flinging the members of the Fellowship into the mines one by one.

2. Striking a bolt of lightning on the watcher and turning him...it into calamari. Actually quite tasty!

And 3. Striking down the door in the Gates of Moria.

Than not realizing he had just forced the Fellowship into going through the mines (or not caring in the least) Gandalf started stomping through the mines...the rest of the Fellowship following at a safe distance.


	5. Ch5

Well all of this would have been bad enough if the Fellowship hadn't made a lasting impression on Gandalf in the Mines of Moria. You know...before the Balrog threw a hissy fit and dragged Gandalf down with him (literally!).

However, there were other occurrences in the mines that just built off of the ones already mentioned.

First and foremost in Gandalf's mind was Boromir's rejection. The 4-day journey to the other side of Moria would have been made a lot easier if Gandalf hadn't been trying to grope Boromir every 5 minutes.

Yes, every five minutes. The Fellowship would be treated to Boromir shrieking:

"Hey! Cut that out!"

However, by the final day Boromir had given up on 'talking' to the old wizard because Gandalf clearly wasn't getting the message that the Gondorian just was not interested.

The first time that morning that Gandalf tried to pull something, Boromir gave no warning to what he was going to do. He simply unsheathed his sword and swung at Gandalf's head.

Gandalf barely had time to duck before the sword came at him and as a result the top of his pointy hat was chopped off.

This put both Gandalf and the Fellowship in a bad mood for the pointy hat could do a marvelous trick. (Don't ask!)

Well Boromir was also fond of the pointy hat (even if he didn't share the same sentiment toward its owner) and so he was a lot more vocal towards Gandalf.

"DAMMIT GANDALF! NO, MEANS NO, SO PUT A CORK IN IT!"

Gandalf stopped after that for he was quite embarrassed and already plotting. Besides Boromir was now covering his beloved horn.

But then things quickly went from bad to worse...Pippin's cluttering around roused the Balrog.

Although the rest of the Fellowship would later agree that it was Gandalf screaming:

"You fool of a Took!"

That roused the Balrog.

Either way the Balrog was coming.

And Aragorn seemed to have gotten the idea in his foolishly thick head that he could take on the Balrog with just...well...whatever he was carrying around on his person.

So there was Aragorn running back toward the Balrog while the rest of the Fellowship was smart and ran away from it.

Luckily, Gandalf intercepted Aragorn.

"Where do you think your going Aragorn?"

"Get out of my way Gandalf."

"Aragorn, as much as I'd like to kill you myself I can't allow that to happen because then you know who would be ruling Gondor."

"HEY I HEARD THAT!" Boromir yelled up at them.

Aragorn ignored both of them and started running again.

Gandalf got angry. I mean more than he already was.

"DO AS I SAY!" he yelled, shoving Aragorn back. Aragorn gave him a look that suggested the wizard was out of his mind.

"Swords are no more use here," Gandalf muttered.

While that was going on further up the stairs (you know they were heading toward the bridge), Legolas had been getting rather playful since he hadn't had his afternoon nap. So when Boromir nearly fell off the edge of a stairs that ended quite suddenly, Legolas grabbed the man around the waist to keep him from going over and in the process he couldn't resist saying in a joking term:

"Don't fall! I love you!"

Of course Boromir (who had been groped by Gandalf for 3 or 4 days and was therefore in no right mind for that kind of joking) took Legolas literally, quickly untangled himself from Legolas' arms and jumped over the ravine.

This left Legolas with a dumbfounded look on his face just as Aragorn and Gandalf got there.

"AHHHHHHHHHH..."

There was a pause.

"I'M STILL FALLING I JUST RAN OUT OF BREATH. . . AAAAAAHHHHHHH. . ." THUD. "Cool."

"Well what did he do that for?" Sam asked, putting his hands on his hips.

"Hey Sam I found that pot you were missing," Boromir yelled from the bottom of the ravine. Suddenly Sam's pot came flying up and into the hobbit's hands.

"Cool. Thanks Boromir."

"Hey you guys should try falling down here," Boromir yelled, "its kind of a rush."

Gandalf interrupted. "We have to get to the bridge of Khazad Dum. There's a hole in the stairs we have to jump over."

And of course they got there and Legolas, Gandalf, Sam, Merry, and Pippin got over okay. Then Gimli tried to jump. He got onto the top step, but then started to lean backward and so Legolas grabbed him by the beard to keep him from going over.

"NOT THE BEARD!" Gimli yelled.

"Oh. Okay." Legolas let go of him.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

THUD.

"Cool. That is a rush."

"Told ya." Boromir said, helping the dwarf to his feet.

"DAMN YOU LEGOLAS GREENLEAF! YOU GO DOWN THERE AND GET BOTH GIMLI AND BOROMIR!"

Legolas didn't even flinch from Gandalf's demanding tone.

"Okay, okay." He then leapt down.

About .2 seconds later the elf returned with Gimli and then jumped back down.

It took him .4 seconds the second time, but he was back with Boromir (that was quite a sight). "That is a rush!" He leapt down again.

"LEGOLAS!"

He came back up with a cardboard box in his hands.

"Any of you guys order a pizza?"

Pippin (the always-hungry one) looked at the box. "Hey! That says Orcs Express on it!"

Legolas opened the box. The smell was enough to make him turn green, stiffen and then fall backwards into the ravine.

Gandalf slapped his forehead. "I'm surrounded by fools!"

"I should say so." said a deep rumbling voice.

Gandalf, Gimli, Sam, Merry, Pippin and Boromir looked up in shock.

Aragorn and Frodo tilted their heads backward...so far that they ended up falling backwards and landing on their butts.

The Balrog was right above them.

"I need those two," Gandalf yelled, referring to Aragorn and Frodo.

The Balrog shrugged, picked up the human and the hobbit and tossed them over the hole in the stairs. Both Aragorn and Frodo shrieked.

"Hey I had hair there!" Aragorn said, touching the side of his face.

"Well, I had hair there!" Frodo retorted pointing at his feet.

About that point Legolas leaped back up and looked at the Balrog.

"He looks angry."

Gandalf was just as angry, "You need to give us a chance to get out of here!"

"Why should I? You didn't even give me a birthday present last time you came through here."

Gandalf rolled his eyes, "Either way we need to get over the bridge."

The Balrog looked at the bridge, "Your friends are already over."

"WHAT!"

They sure were. And Gandalf had been arguing with the Balrog.

Well, Gandalf took one last look at the Balrog and took off for the bridge.

However, he hadn't noticed the Fellowship sawing the bridge apart on the other side so, the moment Gandalf and the Balrog stepped on the bridge, the whole thing collapsed.

Gandalf vaguely heard Legolas yell, "You two have your hissy fit down there!"

Oh he'd be back. And he'd really get them.


	6. Ch6

Now you'd think that whoever was up there in the sky making all these wacky decisions for Middle Earth, would maybe erase that part of Gandalf's memory when they sent him back as Gandalf the white.  
  
But no!  
  
They probably just wanted to see exactly what Gandalf would do.  
  
And unfortunately there were other events before the Ring was destroyed that made Gandalf want his sweet revenge even more.  
  
First Gandalf arrived in Lothlorien only to have that stupid elf Haldir (who had heard the whole story from the Fellowship) make fun of him and snicker behind the wizard's back the whole time.  
  
However, Haldir wasn't the only one.  
  
When Gandalf arrived in Rohan, Eomer did the exact same thing. As a matter of fact so did Faramir in Gondor.  
  
Jeez, Gandalf couldn't go anywhere and not get made fun of.  
  
Of course those three did a couple other things as well.  
  
Two incidents occurred at the Battle of Helm's Deep.  
  
First Eomer was sooooo bossy and obnoxious that he had to cut in front of Gandalf during the charge and look good while doing it.  
  
Then Haldir (seeing Gandalf's new white clothes and lack of pointy hat) shot his final arrow at Gandalf thinking he was actually Saruman (who I think was starting to get a little depressed since Gandalf wasn't returning his phone calls).  
  
Gandalf's beard was short enough now. Curse Aragorn for having the hands of healer and saving that dumb blonde elf.  
  
Then there were a couple of incidents in Gondor which revolved around Boromir and Faramir.   
  
Yes Boromir! Legolas had been able to save the man from the Orc arrows at Amon Hen. Elves are so useless.  
  
Because Gandalf was just rejected by Boromir once again. As well as by Faramir. Getting rejected by both of Denethor's sons was definitely not good for Gandalf's ego.  
  
And Denethor was no help. Since he was already driven quite insane it was no surprise to anybody that he was actually amused by the whole incident.  
  
Anyway, what was foremost on Gandalf's mind after the Ring was destroyed was mainly revenge.  
  
And that was on Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Eomer, Legolas, Haldir, Frodo, Merry and Pippin.  
  
Yeah, Sam and Gimli had been in the Fellowship, but they hadn't really done that much. Plus Gimli was too amusing to do anything.  
  
So Gandalf thought for several weeks about what to do. Then he remembered a certain potion of Galadriel's... 


	7. Ch7

Gandalf snuck into Galadriel's laboratory (where she invented all her potions) and walked over to the "Potion's Cabinet."  
  
Opening it he searched for the one he wanted. Finding the vial he was looking for, he grabbed it.  
  
"Ah. Temporary Insanity. Wait . . . DAMN!!! Empty!" Gandalf mumbled. "Why the heck does she keep an empty vial?"  
  
Hmmm. What now?  
  
Gandalf skimmed the names of the other potions.  
  
Sickness -- Warning: Violent flu-like symptoms for up to two months.  
  
Neutering -- Warning: Temporary impotency for up to six months.  
  
Male pregnancy?   
  
Gandalf pushed that one back a bit.  
  
Truth potion. Hmmm. That one could prove interesting later.  
  
Makes wizards less eccentric potion.  
  
"Hey!" Gandalf protested.  
  
Temporary size reduction of male...  
  
"WHAT???!!!!!"  
  
Wincing, Gandalf pushed that potion aside. Nobody deserved THAT!!!  
  
After a few moments of debate, Gandalf narrowed the choices down to two. Neutering and sickness.  
  
Stroking his beard thoughtfully, Gandalf did eeny-meeny miney-moe.  
  
Actually that's as far as he got before he heard someone coming.   
  
Panicking, he reached in and grabbed a vial and skidaddled.   
  
Just in time too. Because a mere 5 seconds after Gandalf got out the side door (does Lothlorien have side doors), Galadriel walked in the main door.  
  
Seeing the door to her "Potion's Cabinet" open she went over to check it out. Checking all the vials she sighed.  
  
One was missing. One that shouldn't be in just anyone's possession. This was not good.  
  
Yes, one potion was missing.  
  
Unfortunately, it wasn't the neutering or sickness potion as Gandalf had intended.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Luckily, a couple of days later, there was a party.  
  
When, where and why we're not going to tell you because YOU'RE not invited.  
  
So there!  
  
Okay I'll get back to the story.  
  
Chuckling evilly, Gandalf opened a bottle of fine, expensive burgundy and filled several wineglasses while doing a mental tally of who he wanted revenge on.  
  
He came up with 12, not realizing he'd counted Legolas, Haldir, and Pippin twice. So, he pulled the vial out of his pocket and put a little in each of the 12 glasses.   
  
Now, to make sure the spiked wine got to the right people, he delivered it himself, pretending to be all forgiving and like he wanted to make amends.  
  
If the recipients of the glasses had had any brains whatsoever they would have known not to take anything Gandalf offered.   
  
As he handed Pippin his glass of wine Gandalf realized he'd made 3 too many spiked drinks. Muttering to himself in ancient languages that had been forgotten early in the second age, he made his way toward the kitchen to dispose of the 3 extra glasses.  
  
Unfortunately, he was waylaid by Lord Celeborn halfway there and pulled into an utterly fascinating conversation about how to make Mirkwood cookies.  
  
(I seriously have the recipe but have never made them).  
  
Anyway, as Gandalf got into the conversation he set the tray with the remaining 3 glasses of doctored wine down, not noticing when a serving girl picked it up to finish serving the wine.  
  
"Anyway, the recipe supposedly makes 3.5 dozen cookies, but you know how that never happens. I'm lucky if I get 2 dozen out of one batch," Celeborn was saying.  
  
Gandalf nodded, "I can see why you decided not to make them for this shindig. It would've taken a full week." He didn't mention that he'd often seen Galadriel snitch cookie dough and that was probably the reason Celeborn only got 2 dozen out of a 3.5 dozen recipe. "Anyway, hate to run but a wizard's work is never done you know."  
  
Celeborn nodded and strolled off to find another interested listener. (In a crowd where everyone is either drunk or in the process of getting drunk good luck!)  
  
Gandalf turned to pick up his tray. A tray that was now missing, and swore in the black speech.  
  
That was not so good. 


	8. Ch8

Eomer scowled at Grima, "What are you doing here, Wormie?"  
  
Wormie, I mean Grima, put a hand on Eomer's shoulder, "I wanted to beg your forgiveness. I'll serve you and your family faithfully."  
  
Eomer jerked away, growling, "You'll never get near my sister again, Wormie."  
  
Grima sighed and gave Eomer a once over, sipping his glass of burgundy, "I do not want your sister King Eomer. My sights have switched to you my Lord."  
  
Eomer wrinkled his nose in disgust, "Uh, sorry Wormie. I'm flattered (he's totally lying here). Really. But...I'm not into...guys."  
  
"I'll serve you faithfully, my lord," Grima promised again, begging. However, he was looking Eomer over in a way that made the King of Rohan very uncomfortable.  
  
Eomer looked around for help, "Really, Wormie, I'm not into that male-male...is that Aragorn?!"  
  
Wormie, I mean Grima, glanced over with a scowl. "Yes."  
  
Eomer patted Grima absently on the shoulder as he handed the man his empty glass of burgundy, "Excuse me, Wormie. I, uh...I just remembered..."  
  
His words trailed off as he ran after Aragorn.  
  
Wormie, I mean Grima, scowled. Royalty had all the fun.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
By the time the celebration ended there were at least 50 hobbits and a woodchuck passed out under the tables and all the guests of honor, those that had played a big part in the destroying of the ring or in various battles, had been absent for hours.  
  
Nobody really knew where they'd all disappeared to.   
  
At least not until Frodo stumbled out of Galadriel's bedchamber as hung over as, well...a hung over hobbit.  
  
Haldir was caught sneaking out of Faramir's room.  
  
Legolas, though an elf, stumbled out of Boromir's room only half dressed and looking a little green that blended nicely with his totally mortified blush at being caught leaving a MAN'S bedroom hung over and half-clothed.  
  
Aragorn and Eomer discreetly snuck out of a storage closet (don't ask) separately with some bogus story about 'being in council'.  
  
Pippin came to behind a suit of armor at the end of the hall with only vague memories of the night before.  
  
Merry still remained passed out in his room.  
  
Legolas made his appearance shortly after breakfast, frantically looking for 6 double A batteries because the ones in his hair dryer had died.   
  
He refused to meet anyone's gaze and stubbornly pretended he had no clue WHY he had spent the night in Boromir's bedroom.  
  
Boromir locked himself in his room, refusing to come out until "that damn elf is gone 'cause I never want to see him again!"  
  
Apparently SOMEBODY wasn't satisfied with how the night had turned out. Either that or the Gondorian was just REALLY embarrassed.  
  
Hmmmm.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Frodo couldn't meet Galadriel's eye all afternoon, not really knowing what had happened the night before.  
  
Even though Galadriel had been perfectly nice and understanding. She had even given Frodo a nice Elvish recipe for jam.  
  
Although Frodo had no idea when he was going to use that!  
  
Legolas was just going to forget that last night had ever happened. By pretending it had never happened.  
  
Especially when he thought about the situation in retrospect, he had heard a lot more of the "festivities" last night, then he cared to admit.  
  
Damn elf hearing! 


	9. Ch9

Two months later:  
  
Legolas glanced around at his companions wondering if they could sense something strange?  
  
Not being elves they probably couldn't, but Legolas definitely could.  
  
He felt something different about himself as well, but he was really glad he wasn't anyone else.   
  
Just at that moment, Eomer was retching his guts out (ewwww, rather explicit aren't we) over one of the railings in Lothlorien.  
  
(Don't ask me why everyone is in Lothlorien, THEY JUST ARE!!!)  
  
Legolas had the sneaky suspicion that anyone passing below Eomer at the moment wouldn't be too happy with the human.  
  
In fact, the only one who was throwing up more than Eomer was Pippin.  
  
This quite distressed the little hobbit, who couldn't even smell ale without feeling queasy. (There's a terrible irony in that I'm sure).  
  
And as for everyone else, well...  
  
Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Frodo and Haldir had all had a couple bouts of nausea, but that was nothing compared to their totally bizarre behavior.  
  
Aragorn kept swinging his sword around like he wanted to kill someone (and he probably could with his attitude at the moment...I mean even the elves were scared of him).   
  
Faramir was cleaning the table...while he was having breakfast. No one seemed brave enough to tell the man that it was pointless to try and clean the table while people were still eating at it.  
  
Haldir kept snapping at everyone.  
  
Frodo looked like he desperately needed something to do.  
  
And Boromir...was the man actually crying?!  
  
Well if he was he seemed to have gotten the sympathy of every female elf in Lothlorien in the process. (Lucky dog).  
  
Legolas wasn't the only one who was confused by everyone's...differences.  
  
Gandalf was as well.  
  
So, he snuck away after breakfast to check the potion he had snitched from Galadriel. Maybe the vial had something of relevance on it.  
  
Maybe the nauseating potion had a two-month delay or something.  
  
But of course that didn't explain the "mood swings."  
  
With that on his mind, Gandalf reached into his purse...I mean robes and grabbed the vial.  
  
He then flipped the vial onto its right side and read the label.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!?"  
  
Everyone looked up from their meals.  
  
Was that Gandalf?  
  
Strange old man.  
  
Galadriel had also heard Gandalf...in fact far too well because of her Elvish hearing.  
  
And upon reaching the wizard's side...actually the wizard's back, she saw Gandalf holding her missing potion vial.  
  
"Gandalf, what are you doing with my potion?"  
  
Gandalf whirled around to face her.  
  
"Um...Galadriel I think I have made a big mistake."  
  
Galadriel looked at the vial in his hands. "No kidding. You broke into my potion cabinet." (Is it just me, or does the word potion sound stupid?)  
  
Gandalf groaned. "This is far worse."  
  
"What do mean Gandalf?"  
  
Gandalf quickly sputtered out what had happened.  
  
Everyone suddenly looked up from their meals once again.  
  
Unless they were all mistaken, that was Galadriel laughing hysterically.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
Galadriel returned a few moments later with a very sheepish looking Gandalf by her side.  
  
"Well I have news. I need to speak with Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Legolas, Haldir, Frodo, Pippin and Eomer."  
  
They all stood at attention when they heard their names.  
  
Gimli, Sam, Merry and Haldir's brothers, Orophin and Rumil were also there and listening.  
  
"It seems that Gandalf put a potion in some drinks at the celebration a couple months ago to get even with some people."  
  
Everyone started shouting at once.  
  
"Is that why I can't drink ale?!" Pippin whined.  
  
"THAT CRAZY OLD WIZARD." (Haldir the bitch).  
  
"Is the effect permanent?"  
  
"What did he do that for?"  
  
"You let him into your potion cabinet?"  
  
Finally Legolas spoke up. "What exactly does this potion do?"  
  
Galadriel stared at all of them, "First we have to establish who drank the potion. For there were 12 goblets that night and you may have noticed that the potion had a side effect of making you all somewhat...excited."  
  
Everyone looked sheepish.  
  
"We know that you 8 and Merry all got a goblet, but I'm pretty sure Merry's safe because he passed out right after he drank it."  
  
Merry sighed, relieved, somehow knowing he didn't want to be in Pippin's shoes...uh...place right now.  
  
"However," Galadriel continued sternly, "there are 3 goblets unaccounted for."  
  
No one spoke.   
  
They were all afraid to. But Eomer did.  
  
"I think Wormie had one because he was hitting on me before...um yeah."  
  
Galadriel nodded, trying not to grin even as Haldir's brothers both smirked, "That's one accounted for."  
  
Pippin looked kind of uncomfortable.  
  
"You know I did see a horny, drunken woodchuck wondering around that night."  
  
Galadriel's (and for that matter everyone's) eyes widened in surprise. Galadriel turned to Haldir's brothers.  
  
"Orophin, Rumil...there's a FREAKY woodchuck out there somewhere. Get rid of it!!"  
  
Grumbling under their breath about freaky woodchucks and evil elf queens, the brothers walked out.  
  
"Um...okay that's two. But what about..."  
  
Merry raised his hand. "I actually had two. That's why I passed out right away."  
  
Galadriel was quite relieved. Especially since she had gotten the potion back from Gandalf.  
  
"Well then, I can tell you what's wrong with Aragorn, Faramir, Boromir, Eomer, Haldir, Frodo and Pippin."  
  
"What about Legolas?" Pippin asked.  
  
"He seems to be normal," Galadriel replied.  
  
"What's wrong with the rest of us?" Aragorn asked worriedly.  
  
Galadriel took a deep breath.  
  
"You're pregnant."  
  
Nobody moved. Nobody spoke.  
  
After an extended moment of time they finally reacted.  
  
Aragorn dropped his sword, Pippin once more threw up, Faramir turned sheet white, Boromir burst into tears, Eomer passed out, Haldir gave Galadriel a glare that could kill, Legolas blinked and held his breath (not about to admit he wasn't feeling like himself at the moment) and finally Frodo stood up and said something.  
  
"I'm going to go make some jam." 


	10. Ch10

Everyone stared after Frodo in surprise. Since when did Frodo cook?  
  
And jam? That little hobbit was just going coo-coo.   
  
However, Frodo's reaction was actually mild compared to everyone else's.  
  
Pippin, Aragorn and Faramir still hadn't said anything. Eomer was still passed out and Legolas was trying to comfort Boromir, who was still crying on the elf's shoulder. But Haldir certainly had a voice.  
  
"HOW COULD YOU LET THE WIZARD GET AHOLD OF THIS TYPE OF POTION????!!!"  
  
Galadriel raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
She'd take his normal cool and distant over short-tempered and bitchy any day.  
  
"Well..."  
  
"THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!" Boromir suddenly yelled, cutting Galadriel off, "we didn't do anything to Gandalf that was nearly this bad!"  
  
Unfortunately, Boromir's little...um speech, was made quite ineffective by the fact that he was still crying on Legolas' shoulder.  
  
"Geez Boromir SHUT UP!!!!"  
  
Everyone glared over at Haldir.  
  
They were more annoyed at the bitch than Boromir.  
  
Aragorn suddenly picked up his sword and faced Gandalf with a slightly unhinged, sinister laugh and growled quite calmly.  
  
"You're dead."  
  
In the space of .831575155756764 seconds, Gandalf's brain shrunk to a size impossible to detect by any microscope, and he seemed to completely forget that he was the wizard, not Aragorn.  
  
Gandalf yelped and took for the hills. (Are there hills in Lothlorien).  
  
While Aragorn chased after Gandalf with a fury unequaled anywhere in all Middle-Earth, everyone (and by that I mean all the pregnant men) started cheering the king on.  
  
Well actually Legolas wasn't. Instead he pulled out a notebook.  
  
"Hmm...let's see. I think I'll give Aragorn 4 points for this."  
  
Before anyone could see, he rehid his notebook.  
  
(I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE GOT THE NOTEBOOK AND FRANKLY I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
Haldir grabbed his bow and ran into the woods (I pity the deer that gets in his way).  
  
However, everyone else stayed where they were.  
  
Legolas looked at Galadriel.  
  
"Why did you need a potion to make males pregnant anyway Galadriel?"  
  
Galadriel just walked away mumbling something about "so many questions, not enough answers."  
  
I think she has a secret, don't you?  
  
When Galadriel was gone, Merry turned to Pippin.  
  
"What about you? Who's the father...er, mother...or other parent?"  
  
Pippin turned to his cousin with a weak look on his face. He had just finished throwing up and he looked terrible.  
  
"I have absolutely no idea," he replied.  
  
Merry was stunned. "Geez Pippin, YOU ARE A SLUT!!!"  
  
Whoa, Legolas thought to himself. Merry gets 3 points for the low blow.  
  
However, Pippin got his revenge.  
  
About 5 seconds after Merry got his remark in, Pippin threw up all over him.  
  
Well, Pippin gets 7 points for that.  
  
Merry would probably have liked to take points away.  
  
And in the meantime Eomer had decided to wake up and ask if anyone had any onions and jell-o. (Our nod to the tv series Quantum Leap. Hee hee.)  
  
Gandalf suddenly ran past once again.  
  
For an old guy, he was pretty fast.  
  
Aragorn was close behind swinging his sword wildly.  
  
Although, the only thing he really managed to accomplish by swinging his sword around was to trim the hedges.  
  
Legolas thought he earned 1.5 points for that because the hedges really needed trimming.  
  
(Although I wouldn't say that in front of Galadriel).  
  
However, Gandalf stopped running when an arrow came whizzing by and stuck in his pointy...wait a minute, he doesn't have the hat anymore! Well for simplicity's sake we'll say he does.  
  
Anyway, the arrow stuck in his hat and suddenly Haldir's voice shouted:  
  
"THAT'S JUST A WARNING SHOT WIZARD! I'M AIMING LOWER NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Well, that's 5 point's right there.  
  
Aragorn probably would have chopped off Gandalf's head right then and there it Frodo hadn't stepped in at that moment.  
  
"Jam's ready."  
  
Everyone looked at Frodo, but no one felt like eating.  
  
"Well...Frodo we..."  
  
"Hey! I slaved over a hot stove to make this jam and someone's going to eat it!"  
  
Frodo gets 6.5 points for being a mother hen.  
  
"Frodo," Eomer started, "it took you 10 minutes to make the jam."  
  
"That's beside the point."  
  
Legolas sighed, reached over and grabbed the jam.  
  
"Well I at least feel normal, so I can try it."  
  
Legolas received several glares for that.  
  
Aragorn actually received 9 points just for his look.  
  
Legolas tasted the jam.  
  
"THIS IS GREAT FRODO! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO COOK!"  
  
Everyone stared at Legolas in astonishment. He never got excited about anything except hair…and since when was Frodo a closet cooker?  
  
Everyone tasted the jam...and then wolfed all of it down.  
  
Frodo should get pregnant more often.  
  
Legolas gave him 145 points for the jam.  
  
(Hey, he's the judge.) 


	11. Ch11

After a week of lethal glares, swords swinging at his head and arrows flying within inches of the rest of his person Legolas was starting to think making stupid comments to the others, mainly the 7 guys who were pregnant, was a bad idea.   
  
Comments like, "Why are you complaining so much? It cant be that bad.   
  
Women do it all the time."   
  
That comment had nearly gotten him beheaded by Aragorns swinging sword and gelded by one of Haldirs erratically aimed arrows. Boromir had burst into tears and stomped away from him mumbling something about I can't believe the father of my child could be so insensitive and Frodo had forbidden Legolas from eating anymore of his jam. He was really going to miss that jam.  
  
However, he'd probably be able to sneak some jam away from Frodo. After all, the hobbit did make quite a bit of it these days.  
  
All of Lothlorien (when are they leaving Lothlorien anyway? I mean, they have homes don' they?) had a decent supply of jam. Except for Eomer, who had a different odd craving every day, and Pippin, who could only keep a couple bites of food down every day.   
  
Of course Pippins plight wasn't helped out by the fact that Merry continued to eat a lot and drink a lot and all in front of Pippin!  
  
In fact, every time Merry chugged down another pint of ale, Pippin would whimper, I really miss drinking.  
  
In the meantime, Aragorn had gotten 14 more points for almost managing to do what millions of orcs, spiders and other forms of evil over several centuries had failed to do kill Legolas. Haldir had gotten 20 points for leaving Legolas alive but almost depriving him of…yeah, anyway…  
  
Boromir got 9 points for somehow getting every female elf in Lorien to feel sorry for him with all his crying. Faramir got 12 for cleaning up the whole Golden Wood (and guilting everyone into keeping it clean) and   
  
Eomer had gotten 10 points for having the oddest craving ever: Lembas with   
  
horse-radish sauce and raisins. (Im suddenly feeling sick) Frodo, the meanie, had lost 45 points for not letting Legolas have anymore jam. That jam was REALLY GOOD.  
  
Pippin had also gained about 50 points for managing to get Legolas out of a very awkward situation. After making an inappropriate comment at breakfast (something to do with all the pregnant men acting like a bunch of babies) Legolas had found himself facing several death glares, until Pippin had huge nausea attack and brought the attention away from Legolas. which had given him a chance to sneak away.   
  
Gandalf had taken to hiding in a talan as far from the pregnant men as possible, telling only Gimli where it was so he didnt starve when he refused to get near the mommies-to-be…(wait a minute, their men…hmm…well, daddies-to-be doesn't really get the point across, so I'm gonna leave it)   
  
If anyone wondered why Gandalf chose to tell Gimli where his talan was they didn't mention it. After all, Legolas was too busy trying to keep his head on his shoulders, and get Boromir to forgive him, and the others were busy with… mommy-to-be things.   
  
Legolas still hadn't told anyone he wasn't feeling like himself, fearing what it would mean and if he didn't know better, he'd say his clothes, mainly his pants, were getting smaller around the waist and he'd had to borrow a pair of Haldir's, even though they were still a little big for him.   
  
At the moment, Legolas was debating talking to Galadriel about his possible weight problem when he heard Boromir moan, "How am I going to return to Minas Tirith and tell my people I'm pregnant? How are they going to react?"   
  
Legolas slid over and put an arm around Boromir to comfort him, "Don't worry, Boromir, it won't be too bad, well send out announcements an…"   
  
"And send them from YOUR address, elf! In your name!" Boromir growled.   
  
Legolas started to say something a couple times before settling for mumbling, "Think of it this way, Aragorn has to return as king and tell them he's pregnant. As his steward you can just say you're supporting his decision by making the same one."  
  
While Boromir glared at Legolas, causing him to back away nervously, Aragorn groaned, "Ai Elbereth, how am I going to tell the people of Gondor I'M pregnant?"  
  
Legolas thought a moment, "Easy. All you have to do is say you've got good news. Between yourself, Faramir and Boromir you've managed to ally Gondor with Rohan, Lorien and Mirkwood. AND you three have supplied heirs to the throne, the stewardship and the princedom of Ithilien. And, if it makes you feel better, Eomer has to explain to the people of Rohan that he's pregnant as well."  
  
Legolas suddenly found himself the target of 4 deadly glares: Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir and Eomer.  
  
Chuckling nervously he stammered, Uh…I just remembered…I promised the cook I'd help make Lembas. Bye."  
  
At that he ran from the possible homicidal king of Gondor and his equally homicidal henchmen.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
Legolas knocked on the door to Galadriel's personal beauty salon and waited for her to call him in. She turned to smile at him. "Can I help you Legolas?"  
  
Legolas shifted uncomfortably and wouldn't quite meet Galadriel's gaze,   
  
"Well…kinda…"  
  
Tired of waiting for the hesitant prince to spit out his question, Galadriel decided to do her mind control…I mean mind reading thing, and said, "You worry about a weight problem young prince."  
  
Legolas sighed, "Aye. I was wondering you…said the others were pregnant   
  
right, but I was safe?"  
  
Galadriel nodded. Legolas continued, still shuffling his feet and staring at the floor, "Then why am I growing out of my clothes so I'm forced to borrow from Haldir?"  
  
Galadriel stood up and studied Legolas for a moment, "Come with me so I can have a healer examine you."  
  
Legolas swallowed, "But what if he says I'm pregnant too?"  
  
Galadriel really tried not to roll her eyes but she feared she failed miserably, "Well, Legolas, if you are, you are. Whether a healer says it or not."  
  
Legolas gave an exaggerated sigh, "Alright. Let's go."  
  
While Legolas stepped toward the door Galadriel stayed put a moment, shaking her head, "Kids these days."  
  
Legolas looked back at her, "Well, c'mon! I haven't got all day."  
  
"What do you have to do besides make more stupid comments to the others and risk getting yourself killed?"  
  
Legolas pondered the Lady's words for a moment, "Well, I have to…no…I guess that's it."  
  
While the 2 elves walked toward the healers Legolas sighed, "Well, one good thing to come if I am pregnant, Aragorn wouldn't try to kill me as often since he wouldn't want to harm an innocent child."  
  
Galadriel patted him on the back comfortingly, "You just keep thinking on the bright side, young prince. That's always better then thinking of the negatives."  
  
******************************************  
  
"PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING!!!!"  
  
"Look on the bright side, Galadriel said with a little grin, at least your not acting freaky like everyone else."  
  
Legolas looked over at Galadriel with a why me look on his face, "You do realize that after all the comments I've been making the past few days that Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Eomer, Haldir, Frodo, and Pippin are never gonna let me hear the end of this."  
  
"Probably not." Galadriel stated.  
  
"At least you'll be able to look pretty the entire time." the healer stated.  
  
It was the wrong thing to say.  
  
"YEAH, BUT FOR HOW LONG?!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"IM GONNA LOOK LIKE A FREAK!! ILL HAVE STRETCH MARKS, MY HAIR WILL BE A MESS…"  
  
"LEGOLAS!" Galadriel interrupted.  
  
Legolas looked at her as she started speaking in a normal voice.  
  
"First of all, you're the only normal one (as normal as you can get) in this group and I don't need another basket case of hormones in Lothlorien. Second, you're pregnant. You're not dying."  
  
Legolas growled under his breath. Then without warning, he stood up and started walking away.  
  
"Where are you going?" Galadriel asked.  
  
"I'm going to find Boromir so I can tell him were having twins."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Reply to reviews  
  
Thank you to all who reviewed GR. We really apreciate it. We've indirectly revealed who the "fathers" are as far as the humans and elves go.  
  
We will reveal the "fathers" of Frodo and Pippin's kids in time. As far as all of them going into labor at the same time...we'll take it into consideration.  
  
Thanks again.  
  
~Becky and Brina~ 


	12. Ch12

(A/N: Sorry it took so long for us to update … but we hit a slight writers block and got a little busy. Our Whose Line story has also been updated if any of you are interested.)  
  
Legolas really should have been able to determine Boromir's reaction to the news of having 'twins' correctly.   
  
After all, the human did have the tendency to cry at the drop of a hat.  
  
However, Legolas did need to break the news about his pregnancy to someone and Boromir seemed as good a choice as any.  
  
After all it was his kid too.  
  
So the elf gathered up all hi s courage and went in search of the human.  
  
Fortunately everyone who was pregnant had decided to remain in Lothlorien for awhile. Probably because they were all to embarrassed to return to their homes.  
  
Legolas had thought the idea of two kings, a steward, and a prince returning to their kingdoms to announce that they were pregnant was amusing, but now that he found himself in the same predicament it suddenly wasn't funny anymore.  
  
After all, Thranduil wasn't going to react to well to his son being pregnant.  
  
Legolas suppressed a groan as the thought entered his head.  
  
How was he going to explain this to his father?!  
  
It was a good thing that Boromir was pregnant and his constant crying made him prone to sympathy. Otherwise Thranduil would probably kill him for getting his son, the Prince of Mirkwood, pregnant.  
  
Before Legolas could ponder the thought any further he suddenly came upon the human he was looking for.  
  
The day must have been a trying one for Boromir, for he was fast asleep under one of the Lorien trees. He looked so peaceful that Legolas almost didn't want to disturb him.  
  
Almost.  
  
Legolas walked silently up to the sleeping human (easy since he was an elf) and gently started to shake him.  
  
Boromir started to grumble in his sleep.  
  
"Whatever it is I didn't do it."  
  
Legolas couldn't help the smile that came to his face as he remembered how groggy the human was when he was only half asleep.  
  
Of course, that information had come at a price.  
  
A price that was resting in both Legolas' and Boromir's stomachs at the moment.  
  
"Boromir. Wake up, I have something to tell you."  
  
With a little fluttering of his eyes, Boromir groggily came awake.  
  
"Legolas …is something amiss?"  
  
Legolas grinned as Boromir sat up against the tree.  
  
"No, Boromir I simply have some news for you."  
  
Boromir looked concerned.  
  
"It's not bad news is it?"  
  
"No Boromir …we are … well the thing is we… Boromir we're having twins."  
  
Boromir's eyes widened in both fear and surprise.  
  
"WHAT!!! Legolas how did you find out? I can barely handle the thought of giving birth to one kid, let alone two!"  
  
Legolas smirked. He wished that was the problem.  
  
"No Boromir that's not what I meant. You're still having one kid, but …" Legolas lifted his tunic to reveal his already rounded stomach. Since the elf was really slim, the change was obvious. "So am I."  
  
Boromir stared at Legolas' stomach completely dumbfounded.  
  
And then he promptly burst into tears just as a voice spoke up from behind Legolas.  
  
"SERVES YOU RIGHT PRINCESS!"  
  
Legolas groaned as he recognized the arrogant, bitchy voice of Haldir.  
  
"Ai Elbereth Haldir! Can't you take a pill or something! Cause I don't think I could stand this temper of yours for the next 9 months!" (Elves carry their children for a year right? Shrug. I'm figuring everyone is in their third month.)  
  
Haldir snorted.   
  
"Talk to Galadriel if you're so curious. I'm never gonna trust a wizard again."  
  
Legolas nodded in agreement just as Aragorn, Eomer and Faramir walked up.  
  
"What's with all the raised voices?" Eomer asked as he chewed on his latest strange craving. Onions rolled in lembas.  
  
Legolas opened his mouth to reply, but Haldir beat him to it.  
  
"Goldilocks here also has a bun in the oven."  
  
Eomer and Faramir stared at Legolas in shock while Boromir continued to cry softly.  
  
But Aragorn had the most drastic reaction of all.  
  
He all of a sudden clutched his stomach and fell to the ground roaring with laughter.  
  
The sight of King of Gondor rolling around the woods of Lorien, laughing his head off with a slightly protruded belly was so unorthodox that pretty soon the others were laughing as well.  
  
Even Haldir and Boromir (who was actually half laughing, half still crying).  
  
The laughing even attracted the two pregnant hobbits.  
  
Frodo came up to them looking bored out of his mind while Pippin was walking up with a bucket close by and a slightly green look on his face.  
  
"Does this mean the jam fest is over Frodo?" Faramir asked inbetween bouts of laughter.  
  
"Only until the elves of Lorien need more jam," Frodo grumbled. "Now I have nothing to do."  
  
"Why don't you eat some the jam yourself?" Eomer asked.  
  
Frodo screwed up his face in a look of disgust. "I hate jam."  
  
That comment started all the humans laughing again.  
  
"Hey, what were all of you guys laughing at earlier?" Pippin asked.  
  
"You'll never guess what's up with Blondie," Haldir said smirking.  
  
"Haldir …" Legolas started.  
  
"Turns out Legolas had no call to be all joking with us these past few days at all. Because he's also pregnant."  
  
"Well why doesn't he have anything wrong with him?!"  
  
"Give it some time. He probably will."  
  
"You mean he gets to be normal and look pretty the whole time!"  
  
"Maybe his pretty hair will be messed up during the pregnancy."  
  
As everyone else debated and complained, Legolas turned his attention back to Boromir, who's sobs had quieted down.  
  
"Boromir, are you really upset or is it just a shock?" Legolas asked worriedly.  
  
(Kind of a stupid question considering the man's face was still tear streaked).  
  
Boromir shook his head and pulled Legolas into a hug.   
  
"Nay, I'm happy."  
  
Legolas hugged Boromir back and smirked.  
  
"You're happy and yet you're crying? You humans are a strange race."  
  
******************************************* 


	13. Ch13

Alright … it's been updated! Here you are … have fun!  
  
The plot continues.  
  
Legolas burst into the guest talan everyone was staying in ( well at least the four humans, 2 elves, and 2 hobbits who had found themselves pregnant … they were all too embarrassed to go home) and doubled over gasping for breath. Running through the woods while you were pregnant … scratch that … while you were a pregnant MALE … elf or not, was not a good idea.  
  
And at four months pregnant with his slender frame, Legolas was the one with the most protruded stomach. The others could all hide their condition for the moment with loose tunics. And the really unfair part of the whole thing was that hobbits and humans only carried their children for 9 months while him and Haldir would be carrying their babies for a year!  
  
When Legolas finally managed to catch his breath he straightened up and faced his curious companions.  
  
"Boromir, Aragorn, Eomer … we've got big trouble."  
  
"What?" the two kings and the steward asked worriedly and Eomer snacking on green beans dipped in honey (ugh!) added, "What could be more troublesome than being male and 4 months pregnant?"  
  
Legolas wrinkled his nose in disgust as the Rohan King dipped another green bean in honey and ate it, "My father and Lord Elrond just sent a messenger to Lady Galadriel. They are traveling here together. They will be here in 2 days time."  
  
Aragorn gulped. (NOT GOOD!) "Ada? Here! 2 days?! Not good!" (Told you).  
  
Eomer and Boromir glanced at each other, confused before turning to their 'partners in parenthood', "Why is this a bad thing?"  
  
"Hello!" Legolas said, "There are 4 unborn babies in this room and none of us here are female! My father will not take kindly to his only son being pregnant. Nor will Lord Elrond take kindly to his human son being pregnant."  
  
Before another word could be spoken Aragorn grabbed Anduril and headed for the door of the talan (once again, does Lothlorien have doors).  
  
Eomer cocked a brow at the father of his children, "Where are you going?"  
  
"To kill Gandalf for getting us in this situation in the first place. I'll search all of Lorien if I have to! The wizard must die!" Aragorn yelled back over his shoulder.  
  
If Elrond and Thranduil had arrived 2 days earlier they would have received quite a sight.  
  
Aragorn chasing around a shrieking Gandalf (why is he still there) while Faramir was freaking out the entire time because they were 'messing everything up.' For a moment he looked even more bitchy than his co-parent, Haldir. (Eeck!).  
  
The chase didn't end until the elves of Lorien poured Frodo's jam all over the floor of the forest, which made Gandalf slip (and Frodo happy because he got to make more jam) and Pippin threw up on Aragorn.  
  
Legolas didn't eat for the rest of the day after that, and Eomer was so grossed out he actually ate normal food for once.  
  
Regular old bacon and potatoes.  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Two days later, Aragorn and Legolas stood nervously waiting for their fathers. Legolas was slightly more nervous considering that with his slim build, even with the loose tunic he was wearing, his round belly showed clearly. At least with Aragorn he was still able to hide it, but barely.  
  
And Ai Elbereth, Aragorn would still have his baby before Legolas!  
  
Legolas had to force himself to meet his ada's gaze as the King of Mirkwood slid off his stallion's back. Holding his breath, Legolas waited for his father to react. Beside him, Aragorn shifted from foot to foot as he went through basically the same routine with Elrond.  
  
"So it is true," Thranduil said as he stepped up to his son, "I could not believe it when the Lady sent her message."  
  
Legolas sighed, "I am sorry I did not tell you myself Ada. I just was not sure of the … protocol when a son must tell his … ada … he is pregnant."  
  
Thranduil took a deep breath, "Well, ion nin, I must say, this comes as a bit of a shock. I always wanted a grandchild. I had not expected … you … to be the one carrying it, but it will be nice to have one finally."  
  
Legolas tried to smile, "Actually, Ada, you will have 2."  
  
Thranduil tilted his head questioningly, "You carry twins?"  
  
"No."  
  
Throughout the King and Prince of Mirkwood's conversation, Elrond and Aragorn were having an equally … unusual if somewhat more strained (due to Aragorn's moodswings) … conversation.  
  
Elrond stayed a safe distance from his foster son, having been pre-warned in Lady Galadriel's letter, of the human's tendency to get … violent, and smiled, "Well, how are you feeling, ion nin?"  
  
Aragorn got a sadistic glint in his eyes an mumbled something sounding suspiciously like 'the wizard must die' before forcing a smile and saying, "I am amazingly well for being a male and pregnant. And you, Ada?"  
  
Elrond laughed nervously at the sadistic glint still in the human's eyes, "Well, look on the bright side, Estel, you will not have to worry about an heir for Gondor."  
  
Aragorn released an animalistic growl and said, "Or Rohan."  
  
It was at this point that Tranquil (wondering how he had 2 grandchildren on the way yet Legolas carried only one) and Elrond (wondering what Aragorn meant about Rohan) chorused, "What do you mean, ion nin?" And Aragorn and Legolas chorused at the exact same time, "We are not the only ones pregnant."  
  
There was a beat of silence before Thranduil asked, "Who else is … pregnant?"  
  
Legolas sighed, "Well to begin with, Lord Boromir, and Eomer King of Rohan. Boromir by … me, and Eomer by … Aragorn."  
  
"As well as Boromir's brother, Faramir, and Haldir of Lorien … by each other," Aragorn continued, "and 2 hobbits, neither of whom knows who … sired … their babies."  
  
Thranduil sighed. He was going to have a LONG conversation with Galadrieal about her damn male pregnancy potion. Maybe he'd get Celeborn to help.  
  
***************************************************************** 


	14. Ch14

A/N: Finally, an update! Sorry about the long wait. We misplaced the notebook we had the update written in.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Seeing as how the elves of Lorien had used their supply of jam to save Gandalf from the homicidal king of Gondor, Frodo happily spent his spare time in the kitchen making more. Every now and then Pippin would keep his fellow hobbit company and act ad a taste tester since Frodo's jam was one of the few things the younger hobbit managed to keep in his stomach.  
  
Anyway, on one such occasion when Pippin was going to keep Frodo company, the two hobbits were on their way to the kitchen a couple days after the incident with Aragorn chasing Gandalf (that little show had prompted the elves to take away all his weapons) when they heard loud voices through a closed door they were passing. Tip-toeing over, they pressed their ears to the door and shamelessly eavesdropped on the conversation.  
  
Two voices were recognizable as Celeborn and Galadriel. The third wasn't recognizable by either hobbit, but Celeborn and Galadriel called him Thranduil. The name sounded familiar to Frodo but since he was preoccupied with being pregnant (and making jam) he couldn't remember where he'd heard it before.  
  
"Calm down Thranduil," Galadriel was saying, "It wasn't me who used the potion this time. It was Mithrandir. I had no reason to want revenge on any of the…males who are pregnant."  
  
"You should have gotten ride of the potion after you used it on me!" Thranduil shouted, then rephrased his words, "Nay, you never should have made it in the first place! What possessed you to make a male pregnancy potion anyway?"  
  
"You know why, Thranduil. As my beloved…" That last word was said meaningfully, "Celeborn knows why I made the neutering potion."  
  
Celeborn winced, "Aye, and I made sure you never had a reason to use it again…or at least never got the opportunity."  
  
Thranduil heaved a sigh, "We're getting off the subject of the male pregnancy potion here. Hello Celeborn! He's your son as well! You should care about this…"  
  
"I do, Thranduil," Celeborn said, "But it was you who made me promise never to tell him about you and I. What can I do without him finding out he is the result of the very potion that Mithrandir used on him?"  
  
Outside in the hall Frodo and Pippin took off, heading to the talan they shared with the other six pregnant males. They may not know who exactly Thranduil was, but they weren't stupid, they knew he had something to do with one of the pregnant elves. Which one they weren't sure, but they'd find out soon.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
When the hobbits reached the talan they leaned against the wall and tried to catch they're breath while the others completely ignored them. Aragorn was moping about the loss of his weapons, Boromir seemed to be trying to knit a baby blanket (and was crying because he was failing miserably), Eomer was searching the cupboards for honey presumably (his latest craving was apples and honey, not too bad really), Faramir was still pouting about how hard it was to get jam cleaned up, Haldir was throwing daggers at a very well drawn picture of Gandalf hung on the wall and Legolas was…well…Legolas.  
  
Frodo shook his head and got everyone's attention by clearing his throat and gasped, "We…just…walking past…a room…"  
  
When Frodo stopped, needing to re-supply his lungs with air, Pippin finished with a nod, "Heard…elves talking…about pregnancy…potion."  
  
Legolas cocked a brow, "What about it?"  
  
Frodo, having caught his breath, said "Apparently, we aren't the first victims. It turns out Galadriel used it on another elf for some reason."  
  
Haldir tilted his head, "What reason? The elf must not have been from Lothlorien or I would have known about it."  
  
Pippin shook his head, "I don't think the elf was from Lothlorien."  
  
Frodo nodded his agreement, "From what I gathered of the information, the child knows nothing about it so the elf in question never told him."  
  
"Wait, you know the child is male?" Legolas asked.  
  
Pippin nodded that time, "Yep, and it's either you or Haldir, because they were talking about the pregnancy potion being used."  
  
Both Haldir and Legolas tensed and chorused, "Do you know this elf's name?"  
  
Both hobbits nodded and said, "Thranduil."  
  
Legolas paled. Thranduil?  
  
"Thranduil?" Haldir asked, not really surprised considering his ada had left for Valinor with his naneth several centuries earlier, "And who, dare I ask, was the…other father?"  
  
"Celeborn." Pippin piped up innocently.  
  
Legolas let out a whimper…before dropping to the floor in a dead faint. Haldir burst out laughing. The four humans all looked confused (well, except for Aragorn who was just plain shocked). Frodo suddenly grinned evilly.  
  
"I just remembered where I've heard the name Thranduil before," he said, "He's Legolas father."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Reply to reviews…  
  
Thanks for the great reviews. Once again, sorry for the long wait.  
  
~Becky and Brina~ 


	15. Ch15

A/N: Okay, another update. Hope it's worth the wait.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Two hours and a pail of ice cold water dumped over him found Legolas pacing in front of his ada and Lord Celeborn. He found it…odd (for lack of a better word)…thinking of Celeborn as his ada after nearly 3000 years of thinking of him as only the Lord of Lothlorien.  
  
"How could you not tell me I had two adas?! You didn't think I deserved to know?! If I'd known THIS might not have happened!" The last part the young elf snapped while motioning to his stomach.  
  
"I wanted to tell you." Celeborn said pointing to Thranduil, "He made me keep it a secret."  
  
"Celeborn, placing blame does not help." Thranduil said scowling at the older elf before turning back to Legolas, "Son, please try to understand. I'm a king; I couldn't very well tell the world I was pregnant."  
  
"Oh, please," Legolas grumped, "Aragorn and Eomer are both kings. Boromir's a steward. Faramir and I are both princes. Haldir's a March Warden. We have to tell people…"  
  
"Not necessarily. Haldir would of course since he lives here. But the rest of you could easily claim maidens carried them. Thranduil did."  
  
"Celeborn," Thranduil growled, "Just shut up. You're not helping."  
  
Legolas smirked rudely (a very un-elf like thing to do), "Oh, right. We all return from Lothlorien, kids in tow…half elf by the way, nobody is going to believe I had a half elf child with an Elven maiden…"  
  
"Legolas…" Thranduil started.  
  
"I'm not finished!" Legolas snapped, glaring at his ada. Thranduil, surprisingly, fell silent, looking properly chastised. Legolas continued to pace, absently rubbing the curve of his belly lovingly, "I don't know about you two, but I won't deny my child it's sire, nor will I deny Boromir his child."  
  
Legolas suddenly stopped pacing and faced both his fathers with a suspicious scowl, "Are you two still involved?"  
  
Their guilty looks were answer enough and Legolas threw his arms up in exasperation, "Of course! How could I not know?! Why am I not surprised? Are there any other secrets I should know about?"  
  
Celeborn shook his head 'no' but Thranduil sighed, "You have a twin. He was brought to live in Lothlorien by a couple who already had two older boys. I felt at least one of you should be raised in Celeborn's realm so the younger twin came to live here."  
  
"What?!" Celeborn and Legolas gasped. "Who?" Celeborn continued to demand, "Why didn't you tell me?!"  
  
Thranduil shrugged nervously, "Galadriel is sadistic when enraged. I didn't want her to know he was your son. It was safer for him."  
  
"Who?" Legolas asked again.  
  
Thranduil took a deep breath, "Haldir."  
  
"What?!" Celeborn exploded.  
  
Legolas…oddly enough…burst out laughing.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Legolas strolled into the flet the pregnant guys were sharing whistling cheerfully (which should have tipped the others of right there that he was up to something). Unfortunately, none of them seemed to be that smart…or maybe they just couldn't care less either way. Anyway, Legolas stopped just inside the door, stopped whistling and grinned evilly.  
  
"Oh, Haldir."  
  
Haldir looked up from his current project (another drawing of Gandalf to shoot arrows at since the other one was so full of holes that Gandalf was no longer visible). He didn't trust the singsong tone the elf prince was using and he made it obvious by glaring.  
  
"What, blondie?"  
  
Legolas chuckled evilly (at which the 4 men and 2 hobbits got to their feet and inched toward the back door {do they even have back doors in Middle-Earth?} Anyway, getting back to Legolas), "I was just talking to Ada and Celeborn about the whole me having two adas thing…and it turns out there was more to it than that."  
  
"What's that got to do with me?" Haldir mumbled, putting the final touches on his drawing with red crayon.  
  
"Well," Legolas continued in his cheery voice, "It seems I had a twin that was given up for adoption to a family with two sons already. Ada wanted at least one twin to live here in Lothlorien."  
  
Haldir looked up at Legolas, "What are you getting at?"  
  
Legolas' grin went positively sadistic, "It seems, my dear, March Warden, you are my little twin."  
  
Haldir jumped to his feet, "I'm what?!"  
  
Legolas smiled as innocently as he could while sadistic pleasure still glinted in his eyes, "My twin, my younger brother, son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood and Lord Celeborn of Lothlorien, prince of both…"  
  
"I get it!" Haldir snapped, suddenly wishing he hadn't burst out laughing when the hobbits had first let it slip that they'd overheard Thranduil, Celeborn and Galadriel talking. After all, his parents (adoptive parents, that is) had always said that if you laugh at another's misfortune it would happen to you. He hated it when they were right.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
That's all for now on account of my niece is screaming at me to get up from her nap.  
  
Since there were no questions that need answers I'll just thank everyone on both mine and Brina's behalf. So, many thanks.  
  
~Becky and Brina~ 


	16. Ch16

A/N:  You're all in luck.  Two chapters in one update.  It's a miracle I tell ya.  Enjoy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Another couple months passed and seeing as how there wasn't much for pregnant men to do (Galadriel had forbidden any of them…including Haldir…to serve on the border guard or do anything else that could be dangerous and Aragorn still hadn't gotten his weapons back and Haldir was running out of paper and crayons to draw Gandalf with and…I could go on but I won't) everyone was bored.  And 8 bored, pregnant males was a dangerous thing…especially when one had a really bitchy attitude (Haldir) and one had violent mood swings (Aragorn).  At least Frodo could make jam, but even that was put on hold again since he'd made enough in the last month to last for several months.

Anyway…so, being bored, the guys (well actually it was just Frodo, Legolas, Aragorn, Faramir and Eomer since Pippin got sick at the smallest thing, Haldir was said bitch and Boromir cried at the drop of a hat) were in the process of sneaking into Galadriel's laboratory.  Finding her potions cabinet they decided to see what other potions she had besides the male pregnancy one.

Aragorn picked up the empty 'Temporary Insanity' potion vial, "Hey, I wonder who she used this one on."

"Probably Elrond." Legolas said, "Why else would he have married Celebrian?  She was just as scary as Galadriel if not more so."

Aragorn thought for a moment, "Could be.  I'm almost positive I've heard, and seen, Elrond dancing in the garden wearing a harem outfit and singing 'Baby Got Back' at the top of his lungs."

Everyone present thought about that and found themselves shuddering at the image it brought to mind.  Finally Eomer reached into the cabinet for another potion and read the label, hoping to dispel the picture of Elrond…of ANY elf for that matter (except maybe Legolas for he was uncommonly beautiful)…dancing in a garden and singing but he feared he would have to drink a whole cask of Dwarven ale after he had the babe before he managed to dislodge that horrific picture.

Anyway, holding up the vial he held he said, "Hey, this one is to make wizards less eccentric.  I wonder why she hasn't used it on Gandalf."

"Yeah, why hasn't she?" Frodo grumped, "If she had maybe we wouldn't be pregnant right now."

"No, I think it was Gandalf's vengeful side that made him use the potion, not his eccentricity." Faramir said grabbing a potion of his own, "Hmm, truth potion.  This could prove useful later."

That said he shoved the vial in his pocket.  Aragorn chuckled evilly, "We could use it on Gandalf and get him to tell us all his embarrassing secrets and spread them around Middle-Earth."

"Sounds like fun." Legolas said picking up another vial.  Looking at the label he read it out loud while everyone else (including Frodo who was standing on a stool) looked over his shoulder, "Temporary size reduction of male…"

As one they all chorused, "WHAT???!!!"

Legolas gingerly put the potion back and said, "I think we'll just leave that one."

"Good idea." Aragorn, Eomer and Faramir agreed.

Frodo shook his head and reached for the potion, unscrewing the cover, "I think it's our duty as men…er…males…to dump this potion out for the good of all our fellow males."

At that Frodo dumped the potion out on the floor (at which point the elf and 3 men instinctively stepped away from the puddle just in case the potion could seep through their boots…no use taking unnecessary risks with that type of thing.  Having disposed of the Bane of Males Frodo turned back to the cabinet and reached for another potion.

"Sickness potion."  Frodo looked at his companions, "I wonder if Gandalf slipped a little of this in Pippin's drink as well."

"I doubt it," Legolas said, "Or he would have used it on all of us."

"True." Frodo said and put the potion back.

Before any of them could reach for another potion vial they heard someone approaching the laboratory.  Deciding they didn't want to get caught snooping through Galadriel's personal space they skidaddled.  Legolas and Aragorn each politely hooked an arm under one of Frodo's and carried him out into the hall.  After that they were all on their own as to how to escape.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Haldir and Boromir (Pippin was in bed since he was having a really bad day and could barely lift his head without throwing up) both looked up curiously as their 5 companions burst into the flet out of breath…especially poor Frodo who'd had to run…uh…waddle (seeing as they were all in their 7th month they were all moving in more of a waddle than a walk or run…it was rather funny to see two normally graceful elves waddle, though)…anyway, Frodo had to waddle twice as fast as the 3 men and the elf since his legs were shorter.

Haldir cocked a brow but said nothing (he was still pouting about being Legolas' twin and the son of two male elves).  Boromir was the one to speak, "What has you 5 in such a hurry?"

"Galadriel…laboratory…potions cabinet…door…we…side door." Faramir gasped out, trying to catch his breath.

"What?" Haldir asked his partner in parenthood.

Boromir, having learned long ago how to decipher Faramir's code when he was out of breath, said, "They were in Galadriel's laboratory looking through her potions cabinet and were almost caught when she came in the main door but they escaped out the side door."

Faramir nodded, "Yeah."

"Find anything interesting?" Haldir asked.  Not that he really cared; he just figured it was the polite thing to do.

Aragorn nodded, "Faramir has a truth potion in his pocket that we figured to use on Gandalf to learn all his deep, dark secrets."

"Cool." Boromir said, "Anything else?"

Eomer nodded, "Legolas found a potion to temporarily reduce the size of a man's…"

Eomer couldn't make himself finish so he just motion to the correct extremity on his own body.  Both Boromir's and Haldir's eyes got huge.

"WHAT???!!!"

Aragorn chuckled, "That's what we said."

"But don't worry," Legolas said, "Frodo dumped that one out."

There was a combined sigh from Boromir and Haldir.  Frodo looked completely proud of himself.  He dropped into a chair, still looking proud, as he said, "Eomer found a potion that's supposed to make wizard's less eccentric.  We were wondering why she never used it on Gandalf."

"We should ask her." Boromir said.

Haldir shook his head, "She'll never give.  She's like a dog with a bone."

"If only there was someway we could force her to tell us…" Aragorn's words tapered off as all eyes turned to Faramir.

Faramir grinned evilly, "Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?"

As one the other 6 chorused, "Truth potion."

(Wait a minute…They're going to use Galadriel's own creation on her?  Oh the irony.)


	17. Ch17

"Shut up! If we're going to sneak up on her without her noticing us we need to be silent," said the recognizable voice of one Legolas, prince of Mirkwood.  
  
"Silent? Who cares about silence? She knows everything," replied the king of Gondor, "She'll know we're after her, silent or not."  
  
"Then we need to be quick," Boromir said, "Catch her before she can run."  
  
"Quick? Brother, we're seven months pregnant." Faramir disagreed, "A snail would move faster than us."  
  
"He's got a point, you know," added the king of Rohan, "We waddle like a flock of ducks. They aren't exactly the quickest animals around."  
  
"Oh, who cares about being silent or quick!" Haldir snapped, "Eomer's got his noose or whatever. We can stay here and he can catch her from here."  
  
"I believe it's called a lasso." Pippin (for once not sick) corrected the March Warden.  
  
"You do realize," Frodo piped up, "The longer we stand here arguing the more chance she has to get away."  
  
The former ring-bearer suddenly found himself on the receiving end of six glares. Eomer, in the meantime, had taken a couple steps into the clearing where Galadriel kept her mirror. Dings and whistles could be heard as she continued to rack up pinball points.  
  
In the next second she was jerked away from her game as a lasso settled around her and tightened, pinning her arms to her sides.  
  
Galadriel hissed in fury as she spun to face her captor. Seeing the young king of Rohan she gave a screech worthy of the Nazgul and from that day forward the eight co-conspirators swore her eyes had been glowing an unholy red.  
  
Moving as quickly as eight heavily pregnant men could (which was to say, not very fast) they trussed Galadriel up like a holiday turkey...I mean they hog-tied and gagged her...and headed for the hills...or at least the nearest flet (which, ironically, was hers). The fact that Celeborn would probably be there didn't even enter their minds. Nor did it dawn on them that Galadriel was telepathic and could call for help that way so the gag was fairly useless.  
  
Amazingly, the possibility of mentally calling for help didn't dawn on Galadriel either.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The memory of giving Galadriel the truth potion would give the co-conspirators nightmares for the rest of their lives. Suffice it to say it involved screeching from her that almost made their ears bleed and damn near summoned the Nazgul back from wherever they'd gone after the destruction of the ring. And not a single one of them had escaped her claws of death (finger nails). To make a long story short...she greatly resembled Smaug, who had been killed several decades early, or more accurately, Gothmog, who had been killed several millennia earlier. In other words...she was VERY scary.  
  
Anyway, it took six of them to hold her still while they pinned her to the ground. Boromir and Faramir each held one of her legs so she couldn't kick. Aragorn and Eomer held one arm (after narrowly missing getting their eyes clawed out). Pippin sat on her stomach while Haldir held her head still. Legolas pried her mouth open so Frodo could pour in the potion before plugging her nose while Legolas held her mouth shut. Left with only two choices (swallow or suffocate) Galadriel chose breathing and swallowed.  
  
After that it was a fairly short wait before the potion started taking affect and she went limp on her own. Heaving relieved sighs the four men, two elves and two hobbits relaxed and let Galadriel go, slumping off to the side in a little pile to rest for a bit after the harrowing experience of drugging the Lady of the Wood, most feared elf-witch in all the ages of the world, past and future.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
By this time Galadriel had been missing for several hours and all of Lothlorien was in an uproar as March Wardens frantically searched for their lady. Surprisingly, the only one not panicking was Celeborn since he was nowhere to be found either, having disappeared sometime in the last few days on a 'camping trip' with Thranduil, unbeknownst to anyone who really mattered. Elrond was suspiciously absent as well, not that it would have mattered considering the only person who scared him more than his currently homicidal foster son, Estel, was Galadriel, so he would have been too busy celebrating the lady's disappearance to be of any help finding her.  
  
It didn't seem to occur to anyone to check her flet since that was the most obvious place and most of the Lorien elves were blond (meaning no offense to blond people with this comment as I know several who are very smart, I'm just taking advantage of the universal 'dumb blonde' jokes) so they weren't the most intelligent of Middle Earth's races. Now if they had been in Rivendell, where the majority of the elves were dark haired, they might have checked the lady's place of residence if Elrond could put his fear of her aside, but (faced with a homicidal Aragorn, a bitchy Haldir, a crying Boromir, a constantly sick Pippin, a jam obsessed Frodo, Eomer, whose taste in food lately was enough to make an orc sick, and Faramir the Wonder Maid) that was a possibility considering that them as a combination was enough to scare all the forces of evil that had ever inhabited the dark places of the world to death.  
  
(Maybe Gandalf should have used the male pregnancy potion sooner. Perhaps the War of the Ring would have went an entirely different way then if eight pregnant men had made up the Fellowship, especially since five of those eight had been in the regular Fellowship and had succeeded without being pregnant. So who's to say that it wouldn't have been easier if they had been pregnant and scared Sauron so bad he destroyed the ring himself in a desperate attempt to get away from them?)  
  
Also, nobody seemed to care that said pregnant males had seemed to disappear as well (which was something to worry about considering none of them knew how they would deliver their children without help and wouldn't even consider leaving Lorien willingly even had they been ten sheets to the wind on the most potent ale in all Arda). So any fool would have come to the conclusion that they might have had something to do with the lady's disappearance, especially considering they had not been very secretive about their plan to use the truth potion on her and had recently taken a poll on what questions they should ask her while she was under the influence of said truth potion. But, as we've already pointed out, Lorien wasn't a place of very much common sense.  
  
So, the whole point of this little story is...the co-conspirators were completely free to interrogate Galadriel to their hearts' content without the risk of being interrupted since everyone in Lothlorien was currently running around like the proverbial chicken with it's head cut off. It was really quite amusing to see. You really should have been there.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Galadriel came to woozy, tied to a chair and surrounded by eight pregnant males. She should have been angry but instead her lips quirked up in a grin, "Am I invited to a party?"  
  
The men all looked at each other nervously. "Um...well not exactly." Legolas stammered.  
  
"How did I do on my pinball game?" Galadriel asked.  
  
The men all looked at each other once again. Truthfully, none of them had bothered to look at the screen before Pippin had become ill once again and vomited all over it.  
  
"Um...you da man." Aragorn said, giving Galadriel a thumbs up.  
  
"Woman." Boromir corrected.  
  
"Elf." Legolas added.  
  
"Oh." Galadriel said with a somewhat loopy smile, "Good. So, what were we doing?"  
  
"Well..." Frodo started, "We were...I mean you were..."  
  
"Stripping for us." Aragorn said suddenly, cutting the hobbit off.  
  
All seven other guys waited in tense silence for Galadriel's response. Aragorn merely stood with his crossed arms propped on top of his swollen belly, one brow cocked.  
  
Galadriel looked down at the rope tied around her upper body. Looking back up at Aragorn she tilted her head to the side, "I can't do that if I'm tied to a chair."  
  
Eight jaws hit the floor (well...not literally) as those words sank in and the guys all looked at each other, all thinking the same thing. 'No way! She's actually going to do it?!' Slowly they all began to grin evilly. Chuckling just as evilly Haldir stepped forward and started to untie Galadriel.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
After Galadriel's little...show...the guys got down to questioning her. Problem was, they couldn't remember what they'd all planned to ask her so they just decided to ask about her potions. It wasn't too bad really, after all, they didn't need to know her deepest secrets anymore. They had something better to hold over her head now.  
  
She'd stripped for them. The almighty Galadriel, most feared elf-witch in Middle Earth had taken off her clothes for eight pregnant (well, they would leave that little fact out) men.  
  
Life was good.  
  
Anyway, on to the questions. The first one to ask something was Aragorn.  
  
"You have that potion to make wizards less eccentric," he started, "Why didn't you use it on Gandalf?"  
  
"Gandalf?" Galadriel asked, "Gandalf. Gandalf. Oh, I remember him. Elderly chap. Big gray beard. Pointy hat. Oh, wait...he's white now isn't he? Well...no matter. I did use it on him. You should have seen him before."  
  
"How much worse could he get?" Haldir mumbled.  
  
"He wore dreadlocks and a pink tutu." Galadriel replied, totally serious, "And neon orange tap shoes and royal purple tights and..."  
  
"Stop! Please!" Pippin moaned, clutching his stomach, "No more. Just the thought makes me sick. Ask another question."  
  
"Why didn't you use the potion again?" Frodo asked, grimacing at the picture of Gandalf that Galadriel had just painted for all of them.  
  
"Using it a second time would just reverse the results and he'd go back to the way he was...if not worse." Galadriel replied with a giggle, "That would be cool. I should do it."  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Galadriel blinked at the chorus of eight voices shouting in a panic. After a moment she released another giggle, "Okay."  
  
The guys all heaved collective sighs of relief and Eomer quickly distracted Galadriel from that line of though by asking, "Why did you make a male pregnancy potion in the first place, much less use it?"  
  
Galadriel scowled, "To punish Thranduil for seducing my husband. That damn pretty blond elf always wanted what was mine." She suddenly turned a glare on Legolas, "And you got his beauty. Stupid elf."  
  
Legolas cocked a brow. Stupid elf? Did she mean him or his...father? Mother? What exactly would Thranduil be considering he'd carried Legolas and his recently found twin, Haldir?  
  
As Legolas considered that Faramir winced and asked, "Who did you use the neutering potion on?"  
  
Galadriel thought a moment, "I don't think I ever used that one."  
  
"Then why did you make it and how do you know it works?" Boromir asked.  
  
"Come to think of it." Galadriel said, not paying attention to Boromir, "I did use it. Grima's so ugly I figured, well, it would be a gift to society."  
  
"Yeah!" Eomer said in a 'well duh' tone, "But the warning said it was temporary."  
  
"Not the original batch I gave to Grima. After that I ran out of Blood of a Wraith. Very hard to get that. That's what makes it permanent." At that Galadriel sighed, "It's a pity too. I sooooo wanted to use it on Saruman."  
  
The eight guys rolled their eyes, mouthing, 'Okay.'  
  
"What about that temporary size reduction of..." Legolas paused, "You know. Who'd you use that one?"  
  
Galadriel's gaze went 200 degrees cooler, "My low down, two timing husband. His excuse for sleeping with Thranduil was he's prettier than me. That...that...two bit king! Prettier than me! ME!!!"  
  
As Galadriel's eyes began to glow red again the guys stepped back. Eomer, Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Haldir, Frodo and Pippin all glared at Legolas, silently chiding him for reminding Galadriel about her husband's infidelity. Legolas shrugged as if to say, 'Well, sorry.'  
  
To once again change the direction of Galadriel's thoughts Aragorn, thinking quickly, asked, "Did you use that insanity potion on Elrond?"  
  
Galadriel's mood changed in a split second and she broke into uncontrolable giggles, "Yes. How else was I supposed to get him to marry Celebrian? He wouldn't believe she was pregnant (he has foresight, you know) and, truth be told, she was kind of a bitch. Got that from her father, she did. Glorfindel always was a bastard."  
  
"Gl...Glorfindel?" Aragorn asked, shocked.  
  
"Hmm...oops." Galadriel said, "No one was supposed to know that."  
  
"I always thought Glorfindel was nice." Legolas said.  
  
"Figures." Galadriel grumped, "All you men stick together!"  
  
The eight guys looked at each other, at their pregnant bellies, then shrugged and chorused, "Well, okay, yeah."  
  
Before anymore questions could be asked the door to the flet burst open and Gandalf cleared his throat, "What is going on in here?"  
  
In the span of one heart beat things went wonky. Boromir burst into guilty tears at being caught in the act of holding Galadriel hostage. Haldir gave a snooty huff and turned his back on Gandalf. Eomer sighed and waddled out mumbling something about chocolate covered lembas dipped in mustard (Ick!). Pippin threw up on Gandalf's pretty white robes. Aragorn, suddenly remembering his personal glow to kill the wizard responsible for him being pregnant by Eomer, grabbed Legolas' twin fighting knives and waddled after a smartly fleeing Gandalf growling, "Die, wizard, die!" Faramir waddled after Aragorn warning the older man that he 'better not mess up my nice clean forest or you'll be in for it'. Frodo stood up and waddled out saying, "I'm gonna go make some jam."  
  
And through it all Legolas merely rolled his eyes and sighed, "I'm surrounded by idiots."  
  
Galadriel seemed to find that hilarious and burst into giggles. Legolas shook his head and waddled out saying, "Just shut, up you old biddy."  
  
Galadriel giggled louder.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
2 months later...  
  
"Galadriel! When are they gonna..."  
  
"I DON'T KNOW!!! QUIT PESTERING ME!"  
  
It was a common phrase to overhear in Lorien as the eight men (don't wanna type out their names) entered their last month. (For simplicity's sake we decide to have everyone, elves included, just carry for nine months)  
  
Frodo had created a mountain of jam jars, Eomer and Pippin were making everyone sick, no one wanted to go near Aragorn or Haldir. Boromir had used up like fifty billion tissue boxes with all his crying, Legolas' complete calm was unnerving and Faramir started screeching like a ringwraith at anyone who dropped even a hint of dirt on his gleaming floors.  
  
In short, all the elves of Lorien were ready to tear the hair out of their dumb blond heads.  
  
"No!!!! Don't walk there! Wipe your feet first! If you spill that ale you're wiping it up!"  
  
Galadriel groaned as she heard Faramir's voice suddenly break the silence of the morning.  
  
"Faramir," she said sweetly, perfectly aware that she was walking on eggshell, "Why don't you take a break. Someone in your condition shouldn't be..."  
  
"No, no! If I take a break this place will get dirty again! I mustn't..."  
  
Faramir suddenly cut off and glanced down at the floor. Galadriel's eyes followed his gaze. There was a small puddle around Faramir's feet. His water had broken.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Replies to reviews...  
  
Landos Star: You are partly right. We did have Legolas tell Boromir they were having twins. But we meant that the baby Boromir carried and the baby Legolas carried would, in a way, be twins since they have the same...parents and would be born about the same time.  
  
Since there were no more questions we'll just say thanks for hanging on this long. Only one more chapter to go.  
  
Thanks again.  
  
~Becky and Brina~ 


	18. Ch18

Faramir regarded the puddle and heaved a sigh, his shoulders slumping in defeat, "Get the mop."  
  
"The mop?" Galadriel asked.  
  
"Yeah. I have to clean this up." Faramir said, motioning toward the floor.  
  
Galadriel blinked, "Faramir, the floor can wait. You've started labor..."  
  
"No!" Faramir gasped, horrified, "I can't leave this mess!"  
  
"Come, we'll clean it up later." Galadriel said, trying to pull Faramir out of the room toward the nearest bed so he could lay down.  
  
Faramir gave her a look that clearly said, "You're insane woman!' and planted his boots in place, "It...can...not...wait!!!! I'm not going anywhere until this mess is cleaned up!"  
  
"Faramir..." Galadriel started.  
  
"No!" Faramir interrupted, arms crossed.  
  
"You're in..."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Can't you just..."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Stupid man!" Galadriel hissed.  
  
"Get...the...mop."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
A half hour later Boromir waddled into a situation where his brother was still arguing with Galadriel and asked, "What's going on?"  
  
Galadriel sighed in relief, "Boromir, maybe you can talk some sense into your brother."  
  
"Boromir! Get off the floor! I just cleaned!"  
  
Boromir jumped at his brother's angry voice (quite a sight from someone who's 9 months pregnant), which unfortunately caused him to crash into a small table and go down with it.  
  
"Boromir!" Faramir yelled, "I happened to like that table!"  
  
Galadriel pressed two fingers to her temples before turning to the first two elves she saw, "Please get Faramir settled into a bed."  
  
"But..." Faramir started.  
  
"FARAMIR DON'T ARGE WITH ME!!!"  
  
Faramir stared at Galadriel in shock but a contraction kept him from responding to Galadriel. He was then led away by the two elves taking deep, even breaths (Faramir, not the elves).  
  
Sighing to herself Galadriel turned her attention to Boromir, who was still sitting on the ground among the pieces of the broken table, clutching his stomach and grimacing in pain.  
  
"Boromir..." she started, walking toward him.  
  
"It hurts." Boromir moaned.  
  
'Great. Now I have two of them to deal with,' Galadriel thought as she walked up to Boromir and knelt down beside him, "Come, Boromir. I'll help you to the nearest bed."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
None of the other six pregnant males were even aware of what was going on with Boromir and Faramir. Eomer, Legolas, Frodo and Pippin were all sitting around a table eating Frodo's jam (with the exception of Frodo who hated jam) and watching Aragorn and Haldir have a really pathetic spar (considering their stomachs got in the way more often than not). They figured that if those two were going to be bitchy at least they could just take it out on each other.  
  
And then Pippin had to go and ruin it, "Um...Aragorn...you're leaking."  
  
Aragorn looked down to see what Pippin was talking about then his eyes widened when he realized his water had broken, "Aw crap!"  
  
Haldir laughed at the look of dismay on Aragorn's face. That was until Aragorn fixed the elf with an evil stare, "Don't laugh, Haldir. You're right behind me."  
  
Eomer, Legolas, Frodo and Pippin all burst out laughing as Haldir looked down at his wet tunic and breeches. He then started swearing rather vilely in the Black Speech (conveniently forgetting that it made elves sick).  
  
"HALDIR!!!"  
  
Everyone winced as Haldir bowed his head in shame, "Sorry, Galadriel."  
  
The elf queen came stomping into the clearing very angry. She stopped when she saw the elf and man standing there with wet tunics and leggings. Sighing she turned to Orophin and Rumil, who were sitting at another table, "You two...bring them to the healer's talan."  
  
As Orophin and Rumil helped their brother and Aragorn out of the clearing Frodo stood up, "I'm gonna go make some jam."  
  
Galadriel blinked as she took in the sight of the hobbit's soaked attire, "Um, Frodo...it appears you've gone into labor as well."  
  
"Have I?" Frodo asked looking down, "Oh. Well, I guess making jam will have to wait."  
  
Pippin suddenly whined, "What about me? I want to drink ale again. Why can't I go into labor?" He glared down at his stomach, "Get out. Get out! GET OUT!!!"  
  
Frodo sighed, "Pippin, relax. Screaming won't help..."  
  
As if on cue Pippin gave a small yelp and gingerly pulled his now wet tunic away from his body. Frodo cocked a brow, "Hmm, guess I was wrong."  
  
Eomer chose then to start choking on his latest bite of bon bons dipped in ketchup (actually quite tasty minus the ketchup). As two more elves led the hobbits away Galadriel and Legolas looked at the king of Rohan as he clutched at his stomach just as a rush of liquid dampened his clothes.  
  
Eomer met their gazes and gasped, "I don't think he liked that."  
  
Legolas cocked a brow and smirked, "It's about time you found something he didn't like."  
  
"Shut up, elf!" Eomer growled as he allowed Galadriel to lead him toward the healer's talan. Legolas followed behind for reasons known only to himself.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
From 7 different rooms came 7 different shouts.  
  
"I won't have my baby born in this room until it's completely cleaned up!"  
  
"Find that damn wizard! He's going to die for this!"  
  
"Don't tell me to relax you over grown fairy! I've gotten stabbed by orcs and it hasn't hurt this much!"  
  
"I need ale NOW or I'll never survive this!"  
  
"I'd much rather be making jam right about now!"  
  
"Please tell me you have something to numb the pain!"  
  
"Okay, nothing I fed you could have been so bad it merits this treatment!"  
  
Legolas, sitting calmly in the waiting room, suddenly snapped loud enough for everyone to hear, "What's with all the screaming?! It can't be that bad!"  
  
As one seven voices chorused, "SHUT UP!!!!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
An hour later all of Lothlorien breathed a sigh of relief once all the babies were born. Okay, Legolas still hadn't given birth but he was so calm that no one worried about him. The 7 new daddies had been moved into one room since there were only 7 rooms total.  
  
Legolas was standing over the bassinet beside Boromir's bed, lightly running his fingers through his daughter's strawberry blonde hair. With tears in his eyes he whispered, "She's perfect."  
  
Boromir smiled, "She is isn't she?"  
  
Before Legolas could reply Haldir spoke up, "So, Legolas, decided not to have yours today, huh?"  
  
"Actually," Legolas said just as Galadriel walked into the room to check on the new daddies, "I've been in labor since before Aragorn, but it's really not that bad."  
  
The 7 guys all growled at the elf, who had had no problems throughout his whole pregnancy.  
  
"By the way," Legolas added, turning to Galadriel, "I need to be helped to a bed. This baby is ready to come."  
  
"I hate you." Boromir growled.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
4 months later...  
  
The eight guys all sat in a clearing in Lorien (why are they still in Lorien?). Haldir, Boromir, Faramir and Frodo all cuddled their daughters. Legolas, Aragorn, Eomer and Pippin held their sons (Sorry, we didn't want to come up with names so we'll just let you name them whatever you want to while you read it). Each male cuddled up to the side of his partner in parenthood.  
  
It had been determined when both Frodo and Pippin had delivered full hobbit infants that Frodo's baby was Pippin's and Pippin's was Frodo's. Quite good news for both hobbits if you think about it.  
  
Anyway, everything had gotten back to normal. Haldir was still arrogant but no longer bitchy. Aragorn was no longer homicidal. Boromir had stopped crying at the drop of a hat. Pippin was back to his happy-go-lucky self since he could once again drink ale. Eomer was once again eating normal foods, much to the relief of the cooks. Lorien was considerably messier since they'd lost their 'wonder maid' Faramir. Legolas was...well...Legolas. The only thing everyone missed was Frodo's jam (which he could no longer make).  
  
"You know, Frodo," Pippin said, looking at the 'other' father of his children, "It's too bad you can no longer make that jam. It was really good."  
  
"Yeah." Faramir agreed, "It really was."  
  
"Well," Aragorn started, "We could always use that last of the male pregnancy potion to get him pregnant again."  
  
"What?!" Frodo squeaked in alarm.  
  
Galadriel chose then to walk up, having heard Aragorn's comment, "Sorry, Aragorn, but that won't be possible. I used up the last of that potion a couple months ago."  
  
As one the eight guys whimpered, "On who?"  
  
Before Galadriel could reply Gandalf's voice echoed through the woods as he yelled, "What the...GIMLI!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh," the eight guys said, then, "Eeeewwww!"  
  
Galadriel tilted her head thoughtfully to the side, "I foresee for the son of Gandalf and Gimli a fat man in a red suit delivering toys to all the children of Earth."  
  
~End~  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
A/N: Okay, I realize this was a little abrupt but seeing as Brina is going to England for four months we wanted to get this story finished since it was so close to the end. That and we wanted to be able to say 'Hey! We finished a story!' since in like...6 years of writing together we've never finished a story before we got another idea we liked better.  
  
As for all our loyal readers, thanks a bunch. It's been fun.  
  
~Becky and Brina~ 


End file.
